Thursday, September 17, 2009

Reflections on yesterdays event

I just arrived back home in New York. I'm doing fine. Physically my body feels great. Mentally I have been on this roller coaster of emotions. Angry, upset, sad, overwhelmed, and finally relieved with the whole incident. I trained so hard for the fight, made the sacrifices, and I wasn't even able to perform. Every fighter knows it's the worst feeling not having control of the situation and having the fight canceled just a few hours before show down can feel even worse then losing.

I was totally apologetic to Dana White, Joe Silva, the fans, my team, and to Sam Stout as well. I felt as if it was my fault. Even though I know it wasn't, I still felt guilty for some reason. I felt as though someone else could have fought and I took up the slot and was useless. All these thoughts cross my mind, The truth is I couldn't control the situation. My body for some crazy odd reason needed to shut down at that very moment. Even though I view myself as this super healthy athlete who eats right and exercises all day long. There is something wrong with me which I have no control of,. In fact as soon as I woke up from the “seizure, breakdown, syncpal episode” I declared I was alright and I'm ok to fight. I remember the doctors surrounding me with there heads moving side to side. Whispering things in each others ears and I knew what they were saying. “He's not ok to fight. I just won't approve it.” That's when I really felt like shit. I wasn't making the decisions, the doctors were.

Looking back on it. It was the safest thing to do from the commissioners point of view. They were simply looking out for the safety of the fighters and after an episode like that. They surely won't let me fight. “Lets say that shit happened while you were in the cage fighting already. Let's say Sam hit you once and you collapsed and starting seizing.” -My corner was whispering in my ear. They were all right. But I'd like everyone to know I would have fought if they let me, Even if it wasn't considered the smartest thing. Even if I could have have passed out in the cage. I would have fought till every bone and muscle in my body stopped moving. I guess that's how stubborn fighters like myself are.

I obviously wound up not fighting and went to St. Anthony's ER instead to get worked up. The doctor declare my diagnosis as a syncopal episode and hyperglycemia. He also stated I needed further evaluation with a specialist. Perhaps a follow up an EEG test with a neurologist and a follow up exam with my primary doctor for diabetes.

I returned from the ER to the Cox Convention center to sit and watch the fights as a spectator about midway through the event. I sat there alone and watched and I had so many thoughts running through my mind. Why are you doing this? Look at what just happened. You lost your last two. Now you possibly had a god damn fucking seizure. Maybe you're over doing it. Maybe you should just stick to nursing. I had a lot of negative thoughts about fighting while sitting there. Putting my mother and father through all sorts of stress, getting a bad call from Yves Levine, losing the finale, old injures, quitting my job, and the list kept growing, Then I paused for a second and looked up at one of giant screens they had set up in the convention center and watched this video. Its a highlight reel of various fighters with the song Teenage Wasteland playing by Baba O'Reilly.

Here is the song played at UFC 88. They play it at most of the UFC events.

After watching that, goose bumps grew all over my arms. I saw a compilation of fight clips and different fighters do there thing. I saw it. I saw the glory. I saw Forest Griffin run across the cage smiling after he choked Shogun. I saw Anderson Silva raise his arms sitting on the top of the fence. I saw what it feels like to win. That's why I need this. I need the feeling of winning back in my heart. I need and I want it. Nothing beats that feeling and I'm going to get it. All those negative thoughts of fighting disappeared and I was back! I felt it in my blood and in my gut. This is what I must do, I want to be a fighter, I want to feel victory. I don't care what the costs are. I will try again. Fall seven time only to rise an eighth!

I continued to watch the rest of the fights. I saw Tim Credeur and Nate Quarry battle with every bit of energy they had. They left it in all the cage. I saw Jake Ellenberger and Carlos Condit back and forth battle. I saw these two warriors willing to put everything on the line for that glory. For the win. Fighting inch by inch! The blood dripping from each others faces and the sound of leather gloves smacking the body. I thought to myself. What a spectacular event. What a sport! I need this! I love this!

I must be smart about this. I'm on this medical mission to see whats wrong with me, What went wrong that night? The major question I have for myself is. What can I do to prevent that from ever happening again? That's what I have to figure out in the next few days. Then I'll be back 100% just like that beast you saw on the show.

In this blog I'd like to thank a lot of people. Dana White and Joe Silva are at the top of my list for being so generous and providing me with the show money and win money. They didn't need to provide me with a single penny.. When I found this out I literally broke down in tears of joy. Every up and coming full time professional fighter knows that each check counts! When I approach Dana to thank him his exact words were “We only care about your health. Get better and so we can get you back in that cage!” When I approach Joe to thank him later that evening. He said “Don't you worry Phillipe. We take care of our guys. It wasn't your fault.” My hat goes off to the UFC. Thanks for taking care of me.

I would also like to thank my team, my family, and my friends for helping me prepare for this fight and helping me with this health issue. I know I wasn't able to perform but they are still proud of me. Nardu Debrah, Sifu Ralph Mitchell, Clarence Everette, Alexander “Soca” Freitas, Tyron Credle, John Beneduce, Dave Branch, Luise Levine, all the guys from team Insight, all my teammates at Team Soca BJJ, Renzo Gracie Academy, and Brian Donnelly from Aviator Sports and Recreation. Thanks Jonathan, Fox, Pete, and Christan for coming down and showing support!

I would also like to show special thanks to the ER staff at St. Anthony's Hospital in Oklahoma. They were an excellent team. They worked together and had me feeling very comfortable in no time.


Thai N said...

Follow that passion.

leighton_uk said...

Keep trying Philipe.
I've been a fan of yours since the ultimte fighter show.
I'm still hoping to see you get in that cage and fulfil your potential.

Borqua79 said...

Thats the right mental approach to take Philippe. Get right back up and fulfill your passion, and dream. There are plenty of fighters out there that sweat in the gyms and train long hours, but you do it above and beyond quite a few. You made it to the "show". So go out there a win!!! You've inspired me due to your drive and decision for continuing your dream. I train off and on with Muay Thai and Vale Tudo in NYC. So today I get back into the training and diet plan. Thanks to you giving me that extra kick in the @ss. First thing is first. See those specialist and figure things out. Then get back in that cage and put that first "W" in that column. It wont be the last... Represent for all of us in Brooklyn!!!

John said...

I hope that you will be back.
...bigger, better and badder than ever!

Focus and fight...don't fight the focus.

Blake Lewis - Sad Song ( Club Mix )

Anonymous said...

youre the man

PJay said...

Good luck with everything and soon enough it will all come full circle for you.

Are you still enrolled in Nursing school in Brooklyn? I think I just passed you by in the Health Science Building. In fact I'm at the computer outside the library by the guard station posting this now.
Didn't want to interupt you as you had a determined look on your face and I didn't want to stare at you trying to catch a glimpse of your i.d card..

Professor Cee said...

That's the spirit, Little Brother! Nana karobi yaoki! Life is measured in the breaths and not by years, the first and last are defined by all those in between. Osu.